I blow
when charged.
not always fit for ground.
when standing,
an unbearable pressure.
more reasonable in
flight– even in
vehemence.

I kiss her fingers and
say:
you are a jungle.
I stretch,
yawn
and out falls a
knuckle.

What does love feel like?
she asks.
I turn to
cough
and out falls another.
kiss her flowered mouth
through my tight teeth
and say

like a wet machete
ripping through
the jungle.

“camouflage”

at the risk of being
labeled calculating, I still
liked being seen.

but i’m a martyr for this,
I crave
repercussion;

even self-abnegation
needs an audience
or else it’s just plain masochism
                  lonely and caustic
without the gentle recompense,
the moist poultice,
the final amends:
the touch of her
sadist’s fingertips
after she laid her.

all cathedrals use pain as payment
and my crucifixion,
while self inflicted;
is just as baneful.
my bloodletters will wash
the splashes from my feet,
take their time
with each laceration;

stitch
my gashes
into temples.

“Lilith”

*excuse my gendered language. I am only telling my narrative of my life as a cis woman with mostly cis men* 

As we speak, I am locked out of my account. This is the fifth time this has happened. I posted a screenshot of a man’s email to me; a copy and paste email he has sent to multiple women in the area. This email included no private information and nothing personal. His PUBLIC work email was listed.  I posted this because this man has emailed me FOUR times  asking to work together. Each time I have said no.

File this under my umbrella file: rape culture.

The first time I told him no, we had an extensive drawn-out conversation over email about fetishization and the use of terms to denote my whiteness–snowbunny, BBC, etc. This person denied using any kind of racialized or fetishized content. When I clicked his Many Vids I just saw the tags over and over: “BBC” “Interracial” and “Asian” for the one non-white costar he worked with. “Asian” in the title. “Asian” in the tag, in the description.  This was his exact quote: “Actually if you see my post DONT have labeled remarks such ass: white, BBC, interracial, etc.” Which he had many. He had no content with anyone else but white women. 

File this under my daughter file: gaslighting. 

He sent me THREE MORE EMAILS and I finally replied telling him I said no and to take me off his mailing list. His reply: “I didn’t see your response.” I posted this on my twitter merely to point out that men are highly coercive, rejection sensitive and can’t take no for an answer. He retaliated by reporting the post and my header which caused me to get locked out of my account losing access to my livelihood. AGAIN. 

File this under: targeted harassment.

While he continues to do this as a hobby…. While he continues to do this as a hobby, he pushed my account into darkness–a place where I make my only living. Something I have always done for survival.  I won’t legitimize that comment with a trauma tour through my life but I am doing this for survival. Touring the sex work industry, they are easy to spot:, often RTIng as many women as they can to get their attention. They hope to get their attention, commenting on every post. Hope you’ll retweet their dick pic. Hope you’ll comment back and laugh at their joke and soon it’s fucking and frolicking on and *off* (that’s the key) camera.  Often being able to hold onto one or two good references; someone they didn’t use or manipulate to go on to manipulate dozens. Similarly to photographers, they consume female bodys in an effort to create more and more product neglecting editing in their lust to shoot more content. When contacting references, we hear back “yeah he was a little handsy, just have good boundaries” or “he kept insisting on being nude the entire time and getting overly close to me, just have good boundaries” or “he made me cuddle with him after” “kissed me after the shoot” “harassed me over text following our shoot.”  We are told have good boundaries.  He told me, “I’ll shoot you nude for sex if you dont have money :).” We are told to stand strong. “He kept putting off sending me the content we made. It’s been six months.” We are told we invited it. “After the scene was done he climbed on me and kissed me.” We are told we should be thankful we are not homely. “He asked me to cuddle after. I didn’t know what to say. He was really insistent.” Catalog what we were wearing. “Well it’s a porn shoot, what do you expect?” “Well it’s a nude shoot, what do you expect?” Well, he’s a man, what do you expect? We are told to get over it. 

We are told our Twitters are locked for telling other people about it. 

Any time we try to post about a predatory encounter, we are threatened. Both by the platforms that hold our entire visibility in their massive AI pocket and by the men we are calling out. By the men that simply see it trolling their way through dozens of profiles aimlessly looking to “take down” a woman. By the men that don’t like us and have been waiting. Like little barracudas stumbling upon a slow school. And when they post themselves shirtless in their avatar or header, they are protected. When they DM us, dick pics, they are protected. They can hurl insults in our DMs, post pictures of us without consent (there was a facebook group for a longtime calleds “Girls being sluts in bathrooms” where men uploaded pictures without consent. That Facebook group lasted but saying “Men are trash” will get you  banned”, they can harass you day after day creating new accounts to do so and Twitter will let it stand. All of these experiences I’ve had. I’ve received dick pics over Instagram and they sided with the predator. I’ve reported men for targeted harassment for making an new profile that was clearly targeted at me and they sided with him. I have reported men’s profiles that say “Rape all women” and it has stayed. I’ve reported men’s profiles that do nothing but chastise women and they stay. We have Andr*w T*te. We have what’s-his-face telling folks to report strippers. We have the red pill party. We jhave four-chan, lue links, Reddit and Gamer Gate.

 They can have the words “bang me” in the header and it’s fine. They can post their torso hinting that they are touching their own dicks all day long but I can’t post myself fully covered depending on the material of the dress.  Depending on the pose. No boobs, no sideboobs, no ass. Just the provocation. Just the hint of sex is all it takes. Just the idea that nipples lay below the bra-line somewhere buried. Just turning to a certain angle and they can make out our hip shape and that’s enough to get you banned. But you can still see yourself circulating on the web. It’s a sure bet you’ll have tons of content stolen and leaked on the web. I  have had men make almost minute long previews of our shot. I have had a person post HALF OF THE POLAROIDS (about 7) of me sucking their dick on their TL without any thought to ask me if that was ok. I have had men post my entire pussy on the TL in graphic detail, up close without asking if it was ok.  Because they need the exposure. 

Because they get off on the exposure. Because they don’t need the money the same way. Because they are doing this for status. Because they think this is fun. Because they are entitled to do anything they want with our content (including refusing to give it to me, as one local content creator did). Because leaked images of penises will never be as harmful in society’s eye as leaked images of pussy. Because a male porn star is applauded. Because they want to be applauded. Because they want to be exposed and they want our full attention.

Posting about them, posting about our experience, we are silenced. Reported. Surveilled. We have no recourse but to keep whispering to each other over text, in conversation. Why was the Amber Heard trial publicized? Do you even remember what started it? Amber alluding to abuse without naming a name until Depp dragged her through the mud good and well dead from it all. And i’m not here for this “mutual abuse” talk or to take sides, I am here to point out that when someone tried to share their experience of abuse, they were sued for millions of dollars, forced to stand trial for all of the world to judge them and still could not discuss her abuses publicly in the end. Silence was the punishment. The money was just the piss on the fire. Some facts of the case (https://www.nbcnews.com/pop-culture/pop-culture-news/johnny-depp-amber-heard-defamation-trial-summary-timeline-rcna26136: )

2018

Heard writes the op-ed for The Washington Post at the heart of the defamation lawsuit. In the op-ed, she writes: “I became a public figure representing domestic abuse, and I felt the full force of our culture’s wrath for women who speak out.”

Heard’s article mentions her experience with abuse from her childhood to adulthood. It does not include Depp’s name.

At the crux of the article, Heard asks for support for women experiencing domestic violence.

“We have an opening now to bolster and build institutions protective of women. For starters, Congress can reauthorize and strengthen the Violence Against Women Act,” she writes.

2019

Depp sues Heard for defamation, claiming the Post article was a ruse for Heard to gin up positive press for herself. Depp also claims she is not the victim of domestic violence but instead the perpetrator.

Depp seeks $50 million in damages.

Because they want to villainize us once they can’t consume us anymore.

I begin to charm him and
he lets me tie his wrists together.

I lick his thigh

1.

grow up big
like
great, big
potted
bonsais:

warped,
admired for aesthetic,
pruned to look pained,
trimmed constantly
with some self-seeking worship;
most every limb
lacking expansion
or utility,

most every limb
kept smaller than it
should be.

“girls”

The card of the summer is The Moon. Usually we celelbrate the sun during this time but this year we need to go deep and dark. Don’t be afraid to access your inner demons. They will free you in the end.

“I hurt. I keep that scream in and at what pain.
at what repeal of salvage and eclipse.
army unhonored, meriting the gold,
I  have sewn my guns inside my lips.”
–gwendolyn brooks, Riders to the Blood-red Wrath

you can shake your fist at any
foaming coast but her
break remains unscathed,
waves unmoved by anything
but tide, but
lunacy like you and

you are barefoot:
some pedestrian gesture of
worship. bare faced,
palms up in moving
shrine. dressed in silver
locket and white.
perched on toes,
avoiding the shells and
ghost crabs that litter the beach
at gloaming.
you’re wild and roaming
the line seeking to slice
yourself, your guilt,
your crippled little wrists.
steal the scissors from his girlfriend’s
pocket.
                    what’s it like to be a hypnotist?

take a seat.
notice your veins rock,
glisten with munition.
life’s a seething blade
and you wear yours deep
in your lungs.
hum for a bit and then
write it on the page.
have them sing it back
with vexation.
watch your toes curl in the sand
before you start wading.
have them say it out loud and
curse themselves.
you are seeking
redress. you are
seeking long due
turn of fate.
you are seeking
retribution.

retribution;
that snarling bitch,
that sudden wreck
that laid you.

“1”

“a consequence of female self love is that the woman grows convinced of social worth.”

The Beauty Myth, naomi wolf

“don’t be afraid to be this luminous
to be so bright
so empty the bullets pass right through you
thinking they have found the sky
as you reach down
press a hand in this blood-warm body
like a word being nailed to its meaning & lives.”
  –Ocean Vuong, Ode To Masturbation