grow up big
like
great, big
potted
bonsais:

warped,
admired for aesthetic,
pruned to look pained,
trimmed constantly
with some self-seeking worship;
most every limb
lacking expansion
or utility,

most every limb
kept smaller than it
should be.

“girls”

Happy Summer Solstice

The card of the summer is The Moon. Usually we celelbrate the sun during this time but this year we need to go deep and dark. Don’t be afraid to access your inner demons. They will free you in the end.

“I hurt. I keep that scream in and at what pain.
at what repeal of salvage and eclipse.
army unhonored, meriting the gold,
I  have sewn my guns inside my lips.”
–gwendolyn brooks, Riders to the Blood-red Wrath

you can shake your fist at any
foaming coast but her
break remains unscathed,
waves unmoved by anything
but tide, but
lunacy like you and


you are barefoot:
some pedestrian gesture of
worship. bare faced,
palms up in moving
shrine. dressed in silver
locket and white.
perched on toes,
avoiding the shells and
ghost crabs that litter the beach
at gloaming.
you’re wild and roaming
the line seeking to slice
yourself, your guilt,
your crippled little wrists.
steal the scissors from his girlfriend’s
pocket.
                    what’s it like to be a hypnotist?

take a seat.
notice your veins rock,
glisten with munition.
life’s a seething blade
and you wear yours deep
in your lungs.
hum for a bit and then
write it on the page.
have them sing it back
with vexation.
watch your toes curl in the sand
before you start wading.
have them say it out loud and
curse themselves.
you are seeking
redress. you are
seeking long due
turn of fate.
you are seeking
retribution.


retribution;
that snarling bitch,
that sudden wreck
that laid you.

“1”

“a consequence of female self love is that the woman grows convinced of social worth.”

The Beauty Myth, naomi wolf

“don’t be afraid to be this luminous
to be so bright
so empty the bullets pass right through you
thinking they have found the sky
as you reach down
press a hand in this blood-warm body
like a word being nailed to its meaning & lives.”
  –Ocean Vuong, Ode To Masturbation

Happy Spring Equinox

Happy Spring Equinox and welcome to Aries season! This is my favorite time of the year–when everything is just starting to open and blossom, days are longer, meandering about town through parks and fields is the norm. Is expected of all of us. Is required. And just in the distance, a constant dog bark.

My 9th house holds Aries which means I’m an independent, fiery, optimistic, make-my-own path, free to be who I am kind of person who defends the right of others to be who they want to be also. A forward thinker. Assertive. Wants everyone to be authentic and tell it like it is. I encourage you to look at your chart to see where your Aries falls: https://astro.cafeastrology.com/natal.php or google what “9th house) means.

 Every season, I come up with 4-5 affirmations, starting a new one each week that coordinates with the energy of the season and where that particular zodiac falls in my chart. It’s a little too nebulous to explain entirely but I find that coming up with goals for each season, each year, each month, each week to really satisfy the constant moving Virgo brain of mine facilitates a deeper inner healing while remaining true to my analytical nature. I love dawdling through the hallways of philosophy and personal growth.Making lists, setting goals, checking in with my lists and planner every morning really helps me. It  may not work for everyone but it’s a suggestion that today you spend time ridding yourself of some of the baggage, bad habits and negative thought patterns winter brought on. My goal for spring is to remain buoyant, optimistic, nourish myself and be more tactical in my approach to life. Be more intentional with my direction in life. My goal for this week is to appreciate the small pleasures in life: the cat’s nose on my hand, the taste of Yerba Mate, the sun shining through the cherry blossoms.

The card of the season is The Queen of Cups–fruitful, artistic, intuitive and kind. She is a prophet of sorts. Empathic with boundaries. Giving without self sabotage. If you are looking for a ritual, I encourage cleaning out everything that is no longer needed and donating or trashing. Lighting a candle to Brigid and Hekate. Setting a spring intention and burying it in a plant or jar outside, maybe with seeds or garlic cloves, and watering it daily. The act of ritual is an act of devotion to self preservation and intention. Ninety percent of success is just from simply believing it to be true. If you don’t have a backyard, invest in a plant. If you don’t want to invest in a plant, invest in a corner of your room and set the intention in a jar and add a coin to it every day. By Autumn Equinox, see how much you’ve gotten and prepare for the harvest of the bounty. And if you don’t believe in any of this bullshit, just book me cuz you know I’m not. 

Also,my old twitter was suspended. My new account is CatarinaKush. As always, I am accepting monetary contributions and gifts to apologize for the untoward closure of my money-making account. I am also excited to soft announce I will be starting my own business in the herbal and healing realm and am always raising funds to help fund my store and training starting in fall to slowly transition to a different line of work. Lists and payment apps at allmylinks.com/catkush

If you’re waiting to book, now is absolutely the time. I have many plans to get deep in,
get the gold,

get solidly out.

Happy Spring!

Featured

Medicine & Ritual

“I swear to God. I swear at God. I won’t mention what He does to me. I lack nothing I need unless you count everything I want.” –Kaveh Akbar, Calling a Wolf a Wolf

The first journey I ever had, full journey, not the day I sucked on grapefruit all day to potentiate my mushroom chocolates with my best friend freshman year of college, frolicing through the woods at 10 pm watching our hands disappear into the bark. This was deeper, illuminating bits of me I was terrified to see. When I was 25, a man I had been dating three months told me he was moving to Boulder and asked me: do you want to do something new with your life or do you want to stay here and get drunk all the time? Like a gun to the temple, God, that’s a no-brainer. I was impulsive, freshly off house arrest, freshly undressed and growing my hair back after I shaved it in a black out. Adjusted my black bob wig, and said

“Sure. Sounds fun. But I have to ask my probation officer.”

I had lived in Virginia my whole life and was quite literally drowning on a daily basis. Third arrest. Second ultimatum received by a man (stop drinking or else). First time I ever considered the word “addiction” had more personal meaning to me than just something that runs in my family. Maybe a little more close to my chest than affecting those I cared about. The state cared nothing about whether I went to Colorado. I merely had to continue to get my paper signed saying I was attending AA, which I was, and then would resume downing jugs of wine when I got home, purple shit eating grin and no fucking clue where I was or what I was doing but always waking up in the middle of some imminent consequence. They said I had to go to AA. They didn’t say I had to participate.

My ex and I decided to have a big send off and go to Bonarroo, the huge music festival in Tennessee, and though I had quit drinking for my boyfriend, maybe four weeks by then, I told him I was going to have one last festivity. I blacked out immediately upon arrival and remember wearing my iPod at some point while Deerhunter was playing, texting my ex and telling him I was lost. Ended up watching The Wizard of Oz alone and fighting with my boyfriend over text. Undeterred, we bought a bag of psilocybin the next day and I decided to be the bigger person, since I had done this before, and take more than my ex and lead us on our journey.

Cut to me lying on the ground in the middle of the walkway. Cut to me staring at the Ferris Wheel mouth wide open. Cut to me asking him if he can see the scary faces too. Cut to someone high fiving us and offering us a stuffed animal. Cut to me watching a grasshopper slowly walk across the grass as Florence and The Machine played in the background and I heard a voice somewhere, a whisper. I turned to my ex and said “I’m an alcoholic. God told me I’m an alocholic and I don’t care what you do but I’m never gonna drink again.”

Cut to me drinking two beers the next day and poignant. Reflecting on the taste and the way it never seemed to hold me long. The way it enraptured me only in longing, but in actualizing the euphoria faded away. Cut to me throwing out my pack of cigarettes the next day, the ride back. Cut to me never drinking again. Cut to me never smoking cigarettes again. It’s been 12 years since I drank save one time when I drank a THC tincture to get high shortly after my dad died. I felt like he wanted the vodka the THC had been soaked in and I felt no real regret stumbling up the stairs, mumbling this isn’t terrible but it’s definitely not for me. I don’t even think about drinking. I don’t pine for it and if you would have told me that one day I’d tell you I don’t think about alcohol at all, I would slap you in your smug lying face feeling this some subtle acerbic judgement of how I spend my time.

“All I do is think about alcohol. All I do is think about not drinking alcohol, then drinking her again.”

They say you shouldn’t start the story in a boring way but capture the person first. Or exert expertise. Show rather than tell you have the sincerest understanding of subject matter. You are qualified. You are above all entranced by the dance between medicine and drugs, the fine line we draw based on how society has learned to handle the substance, and the depth of each compound. That it contains pieces of God and that it contains pieces of hell. That it is both addicting and freeing. Since that journey, I’ve had many more journeys; psilocybin, acid, thc, kratom, and most recently and even more potent for healing, MDMA. I have experience guiding people through these substances and with them, on them as well. I have experience mixing medicines. Mixing medicines with herbs. Taking too much and having a hard time, a bad time, a panic attack. Taking a small amount and merely seeing the sun shine through a branch and connecting the branch to the cardinal that usually means the dead is nearby. Feeling intuition take over my spine. Feeling the sun on my clavicle. Feeling the levity of death in life.

I am happy to offer medicinal journeys to people. I am happy to offer my expertise for those who want to journey on their own. I am excited for this new path I am on and to also continue using herbs and supplements to heal as well. Incorporate my herbalism training. Incorporate my reiki certification. My social work experience. Even my doula training. My years of helping and caregiving for the elderly. And my years of being stuck in a labyrinth of shadow, reaching. Learning every nook of myself. Learning the properties of the Earth and the medicine she offered me, almost baneful at times but in the right dose, clarifying. The poultice and the wound often come from the same exact place.

This is merely an introductory post. I am excited to elucidate these journeys more but TL:DR–I am offering guided MDMA sessions and select guided Psilocybin journeys as well. I will share more about my journeys with each. Above all else, please

“just say yes and step into the consequence.”

–kaveh akbar, calling a wolf a wolf

new duo sub!

Hello y’all.

Let me introduce my newest partner in crime, my favorite little baby sub, @kiracrashxxx (twitter)

she’s into mostly anything but especially anything I tell her to do (and being spanked).

please send an email to catarinakush484@pm.me to screen, deposit and book. 1200 total for one hour, 2000 for two.